"When you get to tell someone off, you might feel pretty good for a while, but somehow the sense of righteous indignation and hatred grows, and it hurts you. It’s as if you pick up hot coals with your bare hands and throw them at your enemy. If the coals happen to hit him, he will be hurt. But in the meantime, you are guaranteed to be burned."
Many persons believe that in a conflictual situation, they can control others by using excessive anger and that this is a permanent solution to the conflict. This may apply in the short term if the other person becomes fearful as in the case of a child, and caves in to your demands but it is generally not true in the long term.
We are constantly talking to ourselves either verbally or in our minds.
Both research and experience show that when persons with anger problems change the way they talk to themselves, their anger level drops and they often regain control of themselves.
The following is a letter I wrote in response to a question from a client.
First of all, I want to say that anger is a very pervasive problem in our society and the level of anger in some individuals seems to be spiraling out of control. As a society, we pay a huge cost for uncontrolled anger in the form of broken families, medical bills and entanglements with the law.